Third Time's the Charm dating show

 “Welcome to the Third Time's the Charm dating show, I’m your generic handsome blond and I’ll be your host.” 

• Audience Applause - 

“ I’m going to say you're too kind and look embarrassed but I enjoy it. So now I’m going to welcome a boring woman who you'll project yourselves on because you're having a fantasy that you could be on this show but remember you're too ugly to have that ever happen.”

“ Hello, I’m the woman you're projecting on and making you feel like I’m your friend but I’m just an attractive actress who’s making use of how manipulative reality tv is to expand my job opportunities and money. I’m also probably from the age range of 22 to 26 ”     

• Audience Applause - 

“That’s great! Oh, an industry secret for everyone but she and every other contestant are making a risky decision seen most dating shows including this one don’t even pay their contestants and instead have them dump thousands of dollars to just being here, all thanks to the beautiful one-sided contract they signed.”

“Wait I didn’t know that they can’t do that” the boring woman cried filled with worry.

“Oh, she must be one of the idiots who didn’t read her contract, and of course we can because the company owns us. But let's forget that and meet the men who you're going to fall for or hate.”  

• Audience Applause - 

“Welcome bachelor one, we don’t need his name, he's here only to look good.” 

“Hello I’m” he paused to think, “ actually who cares I’m just here to look good, so just skip me.”

“Well, you're never going to be picked anyway so who cares about you. Now introducing the person you’ll fall in love with who probably is a firefighter or an equally humanizing job, and his name is probably peter or john.”     

     “Hello, and this episode I am a peter. And yes I spend my days saving people from fires and rescuing cats from trees and am I humanizing myself, of course, I am. I paid thousands to be here. Now, are you ready to swoon over me when I say some fairytale nonsense?” 

• Audience Applause -

 “Of course you are I’m human perfection”

• Audience Applause - 

“Thank you Bachelor 2, now on to our villain, Bachelor 3. He works for a corporate company or bank which makes you hate him even more, for it makes you remember those companies own you. So now you're going to ignore all other information even if it redeems him because you already hate him so let's not even bother.”

“ Wait shouldn’t I get a chance, I paid ….” Bachelor 3 whimpered.  

“ Nope, now onto commercials. Isn’t that fun!”

• We now exist the stage to the cue of the audience’s applause and the confusion/panic of the contestants -

“ Welcome back, hope you enjoy those commercials! I’m kidding I know they made you pull your hair if you had any. So moving on we're going to have the boring women ask a meaningless question. Are you ready?” 

“Well, I seem fine but on the inside, I’m panicking because I just look at my expense for being on this show and it’s well horror inducing” she replied anxiously. 

“ Okay, now go and ask the question that will be your only deciding factor on your future boyfriend.” 

“Okay now where would take me on a first date?”

“ Okay, men think long and hard on your answer. Bachelor 1 your answer.”

“ Does it matter, I’m going to lose anyway so skip me” he said while flashing a bright smile at the camera. 

“ At least you're aware. Now Bachelor 2 what’s your answer. ”

“ Well I’m going to say something so fairytale you're going pretend it’s real but we both know, IT’LL NEVER HAPPEN.” 

“ Aww I totally believe you ” the boring woman cried.

“ And you're totally not pretending to believe him. And were going to pretend Bachelor 3 doesn’t exist because remember you hate him!”

“ But why don’t I get a turn,” he asked angrily. 

“ Because you're the villain. Now moving on, boring woman, who do you choose to be your future boyfriend?”

“Well they're all such good choices...” she drew out, “ But I have to choose Bachelor 2. He just stole my heart.” 

“Sure he did. Congratulations Bachelor 2 and thank you for watching the Third Time's the Charm dating show. I’m your host, the generic handsome blonde. Come again to meet the perfect women choose from other perfect choices” 

• Audience Applause as the director yells “cut” before having everyone exit the studio -