the city below

☽ ☾

[TRIGGER WARNING, depression and talks of suicide]

the wind is calm but chilly, almost threatening against the warmer air. it’s dark, and there’s a post-rain smell in the air. it’s a night to die, he thinks. a good night.

“the breeze is nice tonight, huh?”

he turns his head only slightly, there’s no energy for more. there’s another person beside him, staring at the city below them. 

“huh?” he manages to say, numb and clipped off.

“i said the breeze is nice.”

“hm.” no more, no less.

“are you going to do it?” they ask beside him, sounding curious. 

he feels a flash of annoyance flash through him, but it’s a chasing feeling, far away and distant. he thinks for a moment, gathering energy for the next word. “am i what?”

“are you going to kill yourself?” the stranger has no filter, continuing. “it’s a nice night for it too, huh?”

“why is this any of your business?” he asks, staring at one building in particular. 

the person laughs. laughs, loud and brilliant. “suit yourself. i am.”

that sparks something in his brain. “you are?”

“yup.” they sound proud; too proud.

“are you afraid?” 

“no.” they say boldly. “i am not.”

“oh.” the spark of energy has once again drained out, leaving an empty feeling. he can’t bring himself to say anything more.

a silence passes, and then more. 

a siren wails beneath them, and in the bustling city, he strains his ear enough to hear a few honks. 

“i’m terrified.” it’s a soft murmur that comes next, spoken as if a secret. 

he doesn’t turn to the person, doesn’t move his head, doesn’t offer fake condolences. “yeah. me too.”

“i don’t want to die.” the stranger goes on, and only then can he notice the waver in their voice. “but i don’t want to live anymore either.”

this time, he gathers enough energy to laugh. it’s not loud, leaning more towards a breathy chuckle, but it’s been a while since he’s laughed, and he goes on. then, his mouth shuts. “yeah. me too.”

“your story?” they ask, and he can feel their gaze on him. 

“nah,” he replies.

“okay,” they nod once. “okay.”

another long silence washes over them. more sirens sound. he can hear a helicopter in the far, far distance. 

he stares down. it seems far. would it hurt? 

“this is my third try,” they say so suddenly he almost startles. almost, because the only thing holding him back is his lack of energy. “pills and cuts didn’t work.”

he doesn’t know what to say, so he doesn’t. two minutes later, his mind surprises him. “my shampoo and conditioner bottle ran out at the same time.”

they laugh beside him. it is brittle and hollow. “you know what that means.”

he manages to curl a lip upwards. it must look ridiculous, but it is a dark night and he does not care. “yes.”

“i don’t want to do it,” they say. their voice is exhausted. 

“then don’t.” it’s an easy answer, and they both know it. it’s the answer that is easy to offer, but the hardest to execute. 

“it doesn’t get less scary,” they continue more softly than before. “i wish it did.” 

“don’t be scared,” he offers. “it’s only for a few seconds.”

“yes, but.” another laugh, brittle, hollow and bitter. “but i do not. i do not want to die.”

“then don’t.” an easy answer, again.

“i don’t want to live, though.”

he pauses. considers. evaluates. takes his time. “then don’t.”

they don’t stop there. there’s a last point, an underlying request in it. “i don’t want to be alone, either.

this time, it is easy. there is no pause. no consideration. no evaluation. he does not take his time, not for this. he knows. he knows because he longs for the same thing. “then don’t.”

they move closer to him. the two of them stand shoulder to shoulder now, staring at the lively city below them. he reaches out and laces their hands together. “then don’t,” he repeats.

“okay,” they say.

“okay,” he says.

☽ ☾

also posted on my wattpad: @rxmination titled 'the moon and the stars'