growing pains
summary: Kara, a hairdresser, watches the journey of Jordan, a transgender boy, through many years of haircuts.
cw: transphobia
Saturdays were always the busiest, but Kara’s parents wanted Kara to observe the flow of weekend customers during her first week, even though she had grown up watching customers come and go while waiting for her parents to finish up haircuts on Saturday evenings. She could even remember counting the number of customers who walked through the door and watching tufts of hair fall to the ground as her parents snipped off people’s hair.
Kara loosened her grip on the broom when she saw a woman walk through the front door, holding a little girl’s hand. All the employees at the shop were occupied so Kara glanced at her mother, waiting for instructions on how to proceed. Kara’s mother, Iliana, nodded towards the woman, permitting Kara to take care of the customer.
Swiftly, Kara placed the broom and dustpan against the wall and walked up to the woman and little girl, excited to help out her first customer. As she approached the two, Kara recognized the woman, Janessa, who was a regular at the barbershop and had been getting haircuts at the family-run barbershop ever since it opened according to Kara’s mother. Kara vaguely remembered seeing Janessa for the first time and gazing in wonder at her as she marveled at how elegantly Janessa carried herself.
Kara greeted them with a bright smile, just like how her parents always greeted customers. “Hello, Janessa. What can I do for you today?”
“Hello, Kara! I didn’t know you started working here. It seems like it was just yesterday when you were barely a toddler and coloring with crayons in here,” Janessa replied enthusiastically with a nostalgic glint in her eyes before she gestured to the little girl next to her and continued. “This is my daughter.”
“Hey, buddy! I’m Kara. What’s your name?” Kara asked the girl as she bent down so she could reach the little girl’s eye level.
“Jordan! I just turned eight today and my mommy is letting me get a haircut!” The girl grinned, flashing the gap in the bottom row of her teeth. Her hazel eyes were wide with innocence and excitement as she rocked back and forth on her heel and toes with her hands locked together behind her back. She had worn-out overalls and long pigtails that swung in time with her rocking.
“Happy birthday! Take a seat right over there and I’ll start cutting your hair in a second!” Kara couldn’t help but laugh at how ecstatic Jordan was as she ran over to the chair. She wheeled a cart with all the hair-cutting tools next to Jordan’s chair and draped a large piece of cloth over her tiny torso.
Jordan was humming a vaguely familiar tune as Kara untied her pigtails, sliding the colorful hair bands onto her wrists. Jordan’s legs weren’t long enough to touch the ground so she swung her feet back and forth above the floor while she waited for Kara to get started. As Kara began combing through Jordan’s slightly tangled hair with a brush, Jordan eagerly requested,” Cut my hair really short! Like really, really, really, really short!”
“No, no, no. Jordan, you’re only getting it cut a little bit shorter than it already is. Don’t listen to her. Just trim it a couple of inches.” Jordan’s mother, Janessa, forced a plastic smile as she glared daggers at her oblivious daughter.
“You said that I could get my hair cut as short as I wanted!” Jordan pouted and crossed her arms, spinning the chair around to face her mother to showcase her expression of betrayal. Just as Jordan finished speaking, Janessa’s phone rang with a light ringtone and Janessa took her phone out of her purse, frowning as she looked at the caller ID.
“Maybe next time, okay? I have to take this call.” Janessa offered an apologetic look to Kara before hurrying out the door with the phone snugly pressed against her ear. Kara continued to brush Jordan’s hair as Jordan pouted and crossed her arms.
While Kara set the brush aside and brought out a pair of scissors to start cutting Jordan’s hair, a feeling of uneasiness settled in her stomach. She knew it wasn’t her place to judge how Janessa made decisions for Jordan (her family’s barber’s shop followed the mantra “the customer is always right”). Yet, she felt uncomfortable with how quickly Janessa shot down Jordan’s suggestion. Plus, it was Jordan’s birthday so allowing Jordan to get the haircut she wanted seemed to be a reasonable decision.
Kara wedged a few strands of Jordan’s chestnut-colored hair between her index finger and middle finger. She leaned closer to the little girl and asked, “Jordan, how short do you want your hair?”
Jordan lifted one hand up from under the cloth draped across her body and placed it flat under her left ear. “About this short.”
“And how short does your mom want your hair?”
Jordan’s frown deepened as she lowered her hand a couple of inches below her shoulder. Jordan’s hair barely reached her shoulder blades, which meant that Kara should only trim off one inch of hair at the most if she followed Janessa’s instructions. Kara let go of Jordan’s hair and pressed her lips together as she assessed her options before she offered, “Why don’t we compromise? I won’t be able to cut your hair too short but I can cut it up to here.”
As she spoke, Kara pointed to Jordan’s shoulder at a spot that was a few inches higher than where Janessa wanted Jordan’s hair to be. She continued, “I think this is the most I can get away with without your mom getting too mad.”
“Really? You’ll cut off more of my hair?” Jordan’s eyes widened inquisitively and Kara broke into an affirmative grin.
“Of course. Today is your birthday after all.” Kara gasped delightedly in surprise when Jordan threw her arms around Kara’s waist and hugged her tightly.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” Jordan squealed, causing Kara to laugh heartily in response.
“No problem! Now, let’s get started.” Kara measured where she wanted to cut after Jordan broke the embrace. Jordan sat still obediently as Kara began cutting her hair.
“I’ve never had hair that only goes up to my shoulder before,” Jordan mused while staring at herself in the mirror. She scrunched her nose and made faces in the mirror to keep herself entertained.
Kara furrowed her brows in concentration as she began cutting Jordan’s hair. “Really? Why?”
“My mom says if I cut my hair too short I’ll look like a boy. But I don’t really get what’s wrong wanting to look like a boy.”
“I agree. There’s nothing wrong with that,” Kara agreed while she moved to the other side of Jordan’s hair. Her hands were shockingly steady as she snipped the ends of Jordan’s hair. Jordan was the first customer Kara ever cut hair for so she still worked slowly and carefully due to the fear that making an irreversible mistake so early on in her job would result in her only working behind the counter for the rest of her time at the shop.
The natural lull in their conversation was filled with the soothing sound of scissors snipping and conversations between other customers and barbers. After five more minutes, Kara finished cutting Jordan’s hair and set the scissors aside before she slid Jordan’s hair bands off her wrist and handed them to her. “I’m done. What do you think?”
“I love it so much! Thank you!” Once Kara lifted the cloth covered with hair off Jordan’s body and placed it on the cart, Jordan hopped off the chair and gave Kara another quick hug before Jordan rushed out of the shop to talk to her mother outside the store.
Janessa, who had just finished calling, put her phone back into her purse and gave her attention to Jordan. Kara watched through the window of the shop as Janessa scanned Jordan’s hair with a scrutinizing expression before she walked into the shop to pay for the haircut with an eerily neutral expression on her face.
“How much of her hair did you cut? It seems awfully short,” Janessa eyed Kara suspiciously when handing her the money. Kara kept her eyes glued on the cash, put it in the cash register, and handed Janessa her change.
“Just a few inches. It’s good for her hair to be cut at least two inches every time because it encourages her hair to grow longer,” Kara fibbed with an earnest expression on her face. She carefully watched Janessa as she placed the change in her wallet that had multiple credit cards and twenty-dollar bills. Seeming to have accepted Kara’s somewhat reasonable explanation, Janessa nodded and took Jordan’s hand in hers, leading her daughter away from the counter.
“Thank you, Kara!” Jordan turned around to wave to Kara before she and Janessa left the shop. Waving back, Kara giggled at how adorable Jordan was and mulled over her experience with the spirited young girl before she went back to sweeping the floor.
In all honesty, Kara didn’t expect to continue working at the barbershop for the rest of her life so she eventually found a full-time job that paid somewhat well. She still chose to work on the weekends to earn some extra cash and help her family keep the barbershop running. Since she only worked during the weekends, Kara wasn’t able to see most of the customers she used to see often, including Jordan. The few times Kara saw Jordan, Kara only managed to wave and greet her, and every time Kara saw Jordan, Jordan appeared to have gone through changes.
Then, on a stormy Saturday afternoon, Jordan came to the shop with her mother. Since that day was particularly slow, Kara had her hands empty when Janessa walked through the door with Jordan trailing behind her. Jordan had drastically changed since the last time Kara saw her. She was much taller; her clothing style had changed, and her signature smile was gone. Jordan wore a dark, baggy hoodie and an aura of unconfidence was in the place where excitement and bright colors used to be.
“Hello, Kara! Jordan needs a haircut today.” Janessa sounded a little tense and Kara noticed how she had a hand placed on Jordan’s shoulder. Jordan’s eyes flickered with something Kara couldn’t identify before she smiled for show.
“Of course! C’mon over here,” Kara guided them over to an empty chair warmly. Jordan took a seat and her hands gripped the arms of the chair as Kara draped a cloth across her torso.
Just as Kara was about to ask for what hairstyle Jordan wanted, Janessa commanded, “Just cut it an inch or two short. No exceptions this time.”
Taken aback by Janessa’s adamant behavior, Kara had to collect herself quickly to reply in the convincingly chipper tone that she used to console uptight customers, “Got it!”
Kara expected Janessa to leave them alone like last time, but Janessa sat in the empty chair next to Jordan, watching Kara measure where to cut Jordan’s hair. Since Jordan’s mother was spectating, Kara didn’t try to pull off any tricks and cut exactly the length that Janessa requested. While Kara trimmed the ends of Jordan’s hair, there was a heavy silence hanging in the air and loomed over the three of them like a dark storm cloud. Jordan glared at her reflection in the mirror with such intensity that Kara was certain that if Jordan continued to hold her emotions in, she would burst into a million pieces and shatter her reflection into shards of glass.
After what felt like an eternity, Kara finished cutting Jordan’s hair. When she removed the cloth from Jordan’s torso, Jordan stood up quickly, pulling the hood of her hoodie, which was resting on her shoulder, closer to her neck, as if she was trying to hide the length of her hair without pulling the hood over her head.
Hoping that she could show silent sympathy, Kara gave Jordan a consoling smile. Jordan noticed but looked away as if she didn’t want to believe somebody was offering her support. As Janessa counted the cash and handed the payment over to Kara, she instructed, “Say thank you to Kara, Jordan.”
“Thank you, Kara,” Jordan mumbled, looking down at her shoes.
“You’re welcome,” Kara half-heartedly replied, even though she felt more sorry than helpful. As she watched Jordan and Janessa leave, Kara wished she could have done more to help Jordan, even if she had no idea what Jordan was going through at the time. She just knew that Jordan needed somebody to help her.
Seasons cycled through again and again before Kara met Jordan again. During that time, Kara switched her full-time job and started dating one of her co-workers, Mark. She reduced her time working at the barbershop to working every other weekend so she could spend more of her downtime with Mark and the puppy they had adopted when they moved in together. Surprisingly, these changes didn’t deter her from meeting Jordan once again.
On a serene Saturday, Kara was cleaning up the shop, preparing for its closing time because it was already eight-thirty in the evening. She was the only one in the shop so while she worked, Kara loudly hummed a song that was stuck in her head as she swept. Continuing to hum, Kara placed her broom aside and took out keys from her pocket to lock the door.
Just as Kara placed her hand on the door, seconds away from locking it, a person suddenly came running to the entrance. Kara gasped and reeled back in shock, letting the door handle go when she made out Jordan’s frantic face through the shadows of the night. Jordan pushed the door open hurriedly, chest heaving with an effort to catch her breath. She looked so distressed that Kara thought the police were chasing her.
“I need a haircut. Cut my hair as short as possible. Please,” Jordan begged with wide eyes and a hoarse voice. Her hair was cut short but it was clearly done impulsively as Jordan’s hair was lopsided. The ends of Jordan’s hair were jagged as if she had grabbed a pair of scissors and blindly chopped off her hair in a fit of rage.
Kara, who was stunned by Jordan’s sudden appearance, nodded numbly as she led Jordan over to a chair. She turned on all the lights so she could see Jordan’s hair a little clearer before she grabbed a couple of hair-cutting tools from a cart.
Jordan already pulled a cloth that was left on the empty chair next to her over her torso when Kara returned with the tools. As Kara began snipping away at Jordan’s hair, she noted how Jordan’s eyes were teary, as if she had been crying moments before running into the shop. Kara had no idea what Jordan was going through, but Jordan sensed that Kara was disturbed by her arrival and decided to break the silence.
“I came out to my mom as transgender. She wouldn’t allow it but it’s my 18th birthday so she can’t stop me from doing anything anymore. All I wanted was for her to use male pronouns for me and she didn’t even consider it before yelling at me.” Jordan explained, gripping the armrests of the chair to steady her shaking hands. “So, I decided to try to cut off my hair to prove that I’m a guy because she’s constantly talking about how I have to let my hair down and grow my hair out to look more feminine and pretty. And now my hair looks like this.”
Jordan gestured to his hair and sighed heavily, glancing down at his lap. He chewed on his lower lip and tried to keep his emotions locked inside of him, no matter how much he wanted them to spill out messily so somebody could finally see the wreck he was. Jordan’s hair fell in large chunks at Kara’s feet as Kara sliced through several inches of brown hair.
“Happy birthday, Jordan. I’m sorry your mom sucks. Do you want me to use he-him pronouns to refer to you?” Kara replied, snipping away at Jordan’s hair. She remembered reading an informative article about how to support trans people when they came out and the article had emphasized respecting pronouns.
“That would be great, thanks. I really appreciate it.” For a moment, Jordan smiled and a bit of the young child that Kara had met many years ago peered through. Then, his face fell and he snorted sarcastically, “Some birthday this is. I didn’t expect to come running here after chopping off giant chunks of my hair.”
Kara offered a look that expressed her condolences as she trimmed the edges of Jordan’s hair. The severed strands fell onto the floor like wisps of ash falling from fire. After a few more minutes of cutting Jordan’s hair in strained silence, Kara finished and stepped away to allow Jordan to see the result.
Tears welled up in Jordan’s eyes and his hands flew to his mouth, shocked by how different he looked with a simple haircut. Just as Kara was about to ask if Jordan wanted any changes, Jordan’s hands dropped on his lap and he said, “It’s perfect. Thank you.”
“It’s no problem at all,” Kara smiled, trying not to appear visibly relieved that Jordan didn’t hate the quick haircut she chose for him. Once Kara took the cloth off Jordan’s torso to throw into the washing machine along with all the other pieces of cloth from earlier that day, Jordan took out a wad of cash from the back pocket of his jeans and began counting the bills. Kara reached a hand out and stopped Jordan. “Don’t worry about payment. It’s free of charge. After all, it’s your birthday.”
“Thank you so much. I mean it.” Jordan hugged Kara tightly before letting go and leaving the shop before she could ask him if she could help out in any other way. Kara didn’t see where he ran off to but she hoped that he would be able to sort everything out with his mother.
After that encounter, Kara didn’t see Jordan for three years. During those three years, Kara married Mark and bought a new house as the tiny apartment she shared with Mark and their dog had grown too small. But no matter how much her life changed, Kara never forgot about Jordan.
Out of the blue, Kara often remembered how Jordan used to be such an energetic child. There used to be tiny sparks in Jordan’s eyes and those sparks grew to be roaring wildfires trapped in Jordan’s empty eyes when he burst into the shop that one fateful night. These thoughts would occupy her mind at the most unexpected times but sometimes Kara went days without thinking about Jordan, such as the week she went to Hawaii with Mark for their honeymoon.
One day, Kara was unboxing a new shipment of hair dye in the storage room on a busy Saturday afternoon. She was reminded of Jordan every time she worked at the shop, but at least unpacking boxes prevented her from dwelling on thoughts about what she could have done to help Jordan.
“Hey Kara, somebody specifically requested to have you give them a haircut,” Sharon, an employee at the shop, informed as she walked into the storage room. “I can take care of unpacking the boxes for you.”
“Thank you, Sharon,” Kara gratefully patted Sharon on the shoulder as she walked out the door. She expected to see a regular customer but when she saw who was waiting for her, Kara gasped, her hands flying up to her mouth. “Jordan?”
The person turned around to face Kara and broke into a blinding smile. His eyes were no longer filled with damp despair or dangerous flames; his eyes were filled with sweet joy. He seemed to be content instead of angry or upset and Kara knew that that was Jordan.
Jordan wore a button-up white shirt with floral patterns and black ripped jeans. He seemed more confident than Kara had ever seen him. There was something youthful in his expression; he looked like he had been reborn and found who he truly was. Kara was delighted to see that his hair was cut in the same style Kara cut for him the last time they met.
“Kara! I missed you! Apparently, you only come around every now and then, so I’m lucky that you’re finally here today.” Jordan embraced Kara warmly and Kara teared up, reminded of how he had hugged her when they first met. She pulled away and tried not to let Jordan see how emotional she was getting from remembering watching Jordan grow up.
“I see you’ve kept the haircut.” Kara motioned for Jordan to follow her. A cart was waiting at the empty seat so Kara quickly grabbed a cloth from it and laid the cloth across Jordan’s torso in one fluid motion.
As Kara prepared to cut Jordan’s hair, Jordan explained with a playful yet appreciative tone, “Yeah, I really liked the haircut you chose so every time I get a haircut, I always ask to get it cut like this. By the way, sorry that I put you on the spot that day. I’m so glad you were willing to help me, even if I didn’t seem like I was in the right state of mind.”
“No worries. I’m glad you got the guts to finally stop allowing your mother to keep you from being yourself. Also, don’t thank me for coming up with the haircut. Thank the random photo of a guy with that hairstyle that appeared on my Instagram feed earlier that day,” Kara lightheartedly teased. It had been such a long time since she heard the sound of Jordan’s laughter, and hearing Jordan laugh brought back memories of younger Jordan’s giggles.
“Anyway, I’ve been on T, testosterone, for almost a year now. With hormones and this haircut, people are starting to see me as a guy and use my preferred pronouns.” Jordan sounded proud of himself, which eased Kara’s worry that Jordan hadn’t been able to thrive without support from his family.
Kara kept the conversation alive, even as she focused on cutting the sides of Jordan’s hair slowly because she had waited years for this day to come and she wasn’t going to let this opportunity to catch up with Jordan go to waste. “How did you escape?”
Jordan exhaled deeply and tapped the ends of the armrests as he began sharing his story with a measured tone.
“I was accepted into community college before my eighteenth birthday and my parents already paid the tuition. College gave me my freedom. It was difficult to manage without financial aid from my parents once I came out to them before heading to college but my friends offered me loans and I got a job. The only way I motivate myself to suffer through a schedule packed with studying and work is by reminding myself that I’m building a better future for myself, a future that I’ve been waiting to live ever since I can remember.”
Tears clouded Kara’s eyes and she had to stop trimming Jordan’s hair to wipe the tears away with her sleeves. Kara thought Jordan might have never found hope, and yet here Jordan was, standing strong despite all the obstacles that came his way. To Kara’s embarrassment, Jordan noticed her wiping her tears and worry crossed his face as he apologized, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry. Are you okay?”
“I’m okay. I’m just so thankful to have seen you grow into somebody you’re proud to be,” Kara smiled, resuming what she had been doing earlier.
The concern in Jordan’s eyes faded as he responded, “And I’m thankful that you were the one who saw me grow. I know there were moments when I was completely helpless because of my mom, but I’m thankful you were here and accepting when I needed you the most.”
When Jordan finished speaking, Kara placed her scissors down. In the mirror, her eyes met Jordan’s. They both smiled and even though this is where the story ends, Jordan’s story was just beginning.
this is so heartwarming! i love seeing trans representation in pieces, keep up the good work!
ReplyDeletethis is such an endearing and lovely story!! thank you for posting this!
ReplyDeletei'm in love ;; thank you for this wonderful piece
ReplyDelete